10 Successes in 10 Years
Last year, I turned 23, and for the first time in my life found myself wishing for this aging thing to stop.
I’d always looked forward to my birthday before, and I’d always felt ready to step into the new year — not so in 2018, and this year, with my birthday less than 2 weeks away, I feel no better about growing old (despite recognizing that society’s glorification of youth is based on problematic and often sexist foundations).
That said, I have an annual birthday ritual of reflecting on different aspects of my life — dreams, fears, failures. This year, given my terror in the face of all the items I thought I’d have accomplished by now and haven’t, I thought it would be fitting to start with something new: a recognition of things I’ve done right, that 14-year-old Linh would’ve been proud of.
1. My fearless love for all things nerdy. I’ve never been shy about my nerdiness — guess who founded the Harry Potter club at my high school — but gone is any shred of internalized shame now. I didn’t outgrow my love for children’s literature or happy endings or musical sing-alongs. I embraced it and grew with it. 14-year-old me would’ve loved to hear that I wrote my undergrad thesis on His Dark Materials!
2. How much I’ve travelled, especially alone. Last long weekend, without knowing a single soul on the island, I booked a bus ticket to Charlottetown, PEI, got an Airbnb by myself, and spent a lovely weekend exploring. I’ve jumped into a waterfall in my romper, rode a camel into the Sahara, and visited 27 countries — several without any friends or family, because they weren’t available, and I wanted to go.
3. The two 4-day treks I accomplished in the last year. Between hiking through the world’s largest cave to conquering the Inca Trail, I have rarely felt prouder moments. Not only did I prove myself more physically capable than I’d ever expected, but I also overcame a lot of fears — picking leeches out of my sneakers, peeing in the woods, and going days without modern luxuries, which were huge accomplishments for someone who used to hold her pee if a clean washroom wasn’t in sight!
4. The friendships I’ve kept. Drifting is normal; I was often reminded of that in high school. I wasn’t sure who I’d stay friends with or how we would keep in touch. However, this girl has been my best friend since I was 12 and nothing’s changed. I’ve grown infinitely closer with people I was just starting to like hanging out with at 14, and I’ve also developed so many wonderful friendships since that continue to thrive.
5. How confident I’ve grown in my body. Who’d have thought I’d be taking pole dancing lessons? This fun fact might actually be the most shocking thing for 14-year-old Linh to learn. Grade nine was near the peak of my body image issues. I never fully smiled in photos, wore sunglasses whenever possible, and hated every part of my appearance. I certainly won’t say my relationship with my body is flawless now, but for the most part, I like how I look. I’m really photogenic, and more importantly, I can do chin-ups now!
6. My healthy and loving relationship. This one makes the list not because having a romantic partner is a condition to success or happiness, but because 14-year-old Linh was struggling a lot with unrealistic expectations of love and making some questionable decisions with damaging consequences for self-esteem. She would’ve been proud to see how well she’s learned from those choices.
7. The way I engage with my Vietnamese culture. Wearing an áo dài to a school-hosted event? Surrounded by school friends? That would’ve been inconceivable 10 years ago, but I did just that at Highball of my senior year in university. Not only have I grown to redefine my conceptions of home and appreciate my visits back to Vietnam on a deeper level, but I’ve also learned to bring it into my life in Canada, to begin melding those once-separate worlds, and to advocate for and share my story as an immigrant.
8. The ways I’ve kept writing (and art) in my life. This point was a tricky one to phrase, because so much of my struggle with success (and the lack thereof) stems from my writing. I thought I’d have a book published by now. I thought a lot more too. To pretend that I, or my past self, am not disappointed would be false. However, in spite of that, I have published a lot, and more importantly, I have written a lot that I’m proud of. I’m proud that I’m still trying, that I’ve never let it fall to the wayside, that I completed NaNoWriMo last November, and have been sketching and and journaling every day this week.
9. My comfort in leadership roles. From sitting on panels, speaking in front of hundreds, and regularly leading youth programming, I am so confident with public speaking and group management now. I’ve never been a shy person (reserved, yes), but I’ve flourished in most leadership roles I’ve taken on in the past decade — something I’m pretty proud of.
10. My work in non-profits. I’ve always wanted to do something I care about, something that makes a difference, and the world makes that hard. My vice principal shut down a safe sex article I wrote in grade 12, but I went on to publish half a dozen more and volunteer at Planned Parenthood. I love my job now in youth development and active reconciliation and learn from it every day. It’s rewarding and meaningful, and I’ve stayed true to my beliefs and values throughout.
Most of all though, 14-year-old Linh would’ve been proud just to see me publish this on my blog. This is the most intentional self-love I’ve ever given myself in my life. I sound confident and happy, and would actually recommend this exercise to everyone, because it really did wonders for my mood and self-esteem.