The Lie of "Live in the Moment"

I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, which as the saying goes, often means “living in the future.”

When I was in my first year of university, at the pits of my mental health, I would force myself to get up early on Saturday mornings to copy-edit for the student newspaper by telling myself the following: if you don’t get up right now, you’ll never be promoted to an associate position, which means you’ll never be elected to the masthead, which means you’ll never get a writing job out of school, which means you’ll never work in this field, failing both professionally and financially, and not be able to support any future children. So I’d get up and go.

It was a horrible mindset, which led to some serious wellness issues (expanded on this article) that I struggled a long time to heal from. Despite my efforts each Saturday morning that year, I never was promoted to associate at that paper anyway. Obviously, that actually has no effect on whether or not I can continue to pursue a career in writing or provide for my future offspring.

It has only been very recently — in fact, only as of a couple months ago — that I have, for the first time in my existence, stopped searching up grad programs obsessively and making spreadsheets of opportunities to apply for and where they might lead. Not coincidentally, it is also the first time I’ve been this happy.

Me, at work

I love my job and get to make my own schedule. I have time to write and opportunities to travel. I’m out of debt and (though by no means making the big bucks) entirely financially independent.

I also have no idea where I’ll be living by July.

And what I’ve come to realize is that that’s the part too many people are most concerned with. We are so often told to live in the present, to enjoy the moment, to stop and smell the roses. The phrases are plastered in grade school corridors and counsellor’s offices, touted by motivational speakers, and embedded in song lyrics and literature. We are told that doing that is healthy and brings happiness and prosperity — but how often is that respected amongst colleagues, employers, peers, and family? In the midst of those empty encouragements, how often are we congratulated or offered tangible help for actually living in the now?

I am incredibly lucky to be where I am and thankful for it every day. And yet, now that I’m finally here and happy to share that, I’m constantly being asked what my next steps are, what the long-term plan is. It feels absurd that the focus continues to be on the far future — especially at this stage in life, in my early twenties, when things are evolving constantly — and proves how far-fetched and superficial the “live in the moment” sayings really are. This society is not built to support living in the present and choosing to do so (even in a non-radical way) is seen as rebellious act.

For the first time ever, I am not concerned about my future. In fact, I am daring to hope. July will bring possibilities, and I’m confident in them all. That is a remarkable place to be right now, and I’m determined to give that the recognition it deserves.