To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before: A Lead Like Me

Last weekend, I decided to have a movie night in by myself and put on a new Netflix film that had been trending on my social media: To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. I’d been following author Jenny Han on Twitter for a while and had been super excited by the prospect of an East Asian female lead in a movie that didn’t centre around her Asian-ness, so I went in expecting to have a nice night enjoying a teen rom com. What I didn’t expect was to feel so personally touched by seeing, for the first time, a lead like me — both inside and out.

Anyone who knew me in high school can attest to the fact that I was a hopeless romantic. I loved to read cute romances, watch rom coms, and fantasize about falling in love in a ballgown. Just like the main character in this story, I am not sporty, hate the cold, and get so nervous driving I haven’t managed to get a full license by 23 (not for lack of trying).

I would’ve related to Lara Jean (Lana Condor) regardless of her race, but the fact that she is East Asian (a Korean character, played by a Vietnamese-American actress) changes everything, because for the first time in 2 decades of watching love stories, I could finally see myself as the hero.

My neighbourhood and high school were primarily white, and I was very aware of that growing up. I took every chance to leave behind my Vietnamese identity and often equated it with my assumed lack of attractiveness. I hated my puffy cheeks, boring black hair, and completely non-white skin and face. Unlike many of the popular kids, I wasn’t half-Asian. I was full, and it affected my confidence severely, because I saw no examples of how a body like mine could be desirable.

If this movie had been around when I was in high school, it would’ve been revolutionary. That an East Asian girl, a nerdy one, even exists in a positive light in Western popular culture already means the world. Too often, the examples of Asian women I see onscreen don’t speak English or speak with accents; are either hyper-sexualized or passive and submissive; or are considered the weird girl — or at very best, the sidekick. Finally, this film gave me permission to take the lead and to feel worthy exactly as I am.