All The Relationship Advice I’d Give My 16 Year Old Self

Dear Linh (age 16),

I know that entering a relationship can be scary. You feel vulnerable, and to avoid getting hurt, you’re telling yourself that this time, you won’t be the one giving more. You don’t want to be the first to say “I love you.” You avoid saying anything that sounds like “I need you.” I get where you’re coming from; you think that the power lies with the one who cares less. That makes sense in theory, but in fact, you’re just giving yourself extra headache. Caring less takes a lot of effort. It takes analyzing every phrase, choosing your wording carefully, and getting terrified when you think you’ve come off too strong. Don’t do that. It’s for nothing, and it’s preventing you from appreciating what you have (you’ll realize that when you’re on the brink of losing it). You’re being silly, and you’ll feel so much happier and lighter when you stop. It’ll be like a physical weight off your body.

You also have an unfortunate habit of bottling everything up and then letting it explode. Please try to work on that. Be clear and say what you want. Don’t expect anyone to catch onto your “hints” or read your mind. Pride can destroy a relationship very quickly, so you’d better consider what matters most. Passive-aggressiveness doesn’t solve anything, and you gain nothing by being cryptic. Plus, the clearer you communicate from the start, the faster your partner will start to understand you and actually make changes to address the issues.

Learning how to fight will be one of the most useful skills you’ll gain in life. The most important thing to remember is, never say things just to make them hurt. Make everything about improving for the future. Don’t bring up past issues that were already resolved. Don’t ever accuse, blame, generalize, or attack your partner’s character. Do not say “I wish you weren’t here” or “you’re always like this” or “I hate this part about you.” Instead, you can say, “I don’t like it when you do that” or “can you please work on that?” or “it makes me feel bad when you do that.” In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to speak calmly. But, as I said in my last point, problems are easier to address when you start small. If you let an issue simmer, you’re going to be too upset to use an “I feel” statement by the time the fight happens. But if you let your partner know you’re upset right when the problem arises, it’ll be much easier to stay calm.

Don’t listen to anyone who tells you that you have too many expectations. Good relationships don’t happen when you set the bar low. Your worth should never be compromised, and neither should your partner’s. Never think, “I don’t deserve you.” You deserve everything, and if they don’t recognize that, then that’s their loss. If something makes you uncomfortable, don’t let it slide. Ask for what you want, and don’t put up with anyone who doesn’t respect your time and space and independence. Always remember that you are, first and foremost, individuals, meant to complement but never complete. Go out with your friends. Keep all your hobbies. Do some things together and, just as importantly, do many things apart. Remember that jealousy isn’t cute; it’s possessive.

And for that matter, don’t listen to all the relationship advice you hear. Only two questions matter when evaluating the strength of your relationship. First, are you both happy? And second, are you both growing? Happiness and growth look different to different people, and that’s perfectly okay.

On that note, remember that there are also many ways to show affection. You like your spontaneous flowers and heartfelt cards and cute mixtapes — not everyone does. Learn and respect the ways in which he says “I love you.” That may be bringing you pizza when you’re hungry, or telling you to get to sleep early, or asking if you’d like a cup of tea. Whatever the ways — and there are so many ways — say “I love you” as often as you mean it.

And most importantly, don’t stop trying to fix things. There will be many, many flaws along the way, but even those that seem impossible to resolve are actually solvable with joint effort (trust me), even if it takes years of trying. Even if takes writing out a list of relationship reminders and sticking them to your wall (I actually did this, and it worked). It will work if you both want it to, and it will be worth it.

I know you believe right now that relationships happen in stages: the meeting, the chase, the honeymoon, the comfortable phase, and end of story (one way or another). It’s actually not that clear cut. Just because you’ve moved out of the honeymoon doesn’t mean you’ll never feel it again. There will be times, years in, when you’re madly in love and passionate and want to stay in bed together all day. There will be times when you look at your partner and go “eh.” There will be times when you just want to do your own thing for a bit and need to go off on an adventure by yourself or with your friends. As long as you still want to be with each other at the end of the day, all of these feelings are okay. Relationships go in waves, and the stages all intermingle. It will stay exciting if you want it to.

So, though I know it’s hard, don’t you worry about whether things will work out. That’s entirely up to you.

Love,

Linh (age 21)