Leap of Faith

Montréal, October 2020 — Checking every English major cliché

A few weeks ago, I decided to leave my full-time permanent job to focus on my writing and creative projects (thus solidifying my place as the exact opposite of an immigrant golden child). On January 1st this year, I had been set to move in with my partner of 8 years and establish our stable life together. As of today, I am living the mid-20s starving artist stereotype, single in Montréal. I turned my whole life on its head, and I can’t pretend I’m not terrified.

The thing about decisions, as I learned recently, is that the right ones can be messy as hell. Just because they were the right calls did not mean I was absolved of loss, fear, and doubt; the important part is figuring out each feeling’s source. I knew the deep loss I felt was rooted in nostalgia, as is often the case with break-ups of every kind. The fear was of judgment: what would other people think? How could I justify a choice that defied everything we were taught about how to live a successful life? The doubt echoed in the voices of all those who had questioned me. Through the haze, it took me everything to grasp the core of what I was running towards. I knew that remaining in positions that no longer served me would have been running away from the unknown, from risk, from instability. I did not want to make decisions by running away.

That did not mean all the bad feelings dissipated, but that was always too simplistic a view. We talk about letting go of negativity in our lives, of toxic people, mindsets, and environments, without acknowledging how intertwined good and bad can be. This year, for me, has meant burning so much of both for the chance to move forward in the way I choose.

I have cried, and mourned, and lay paralyzed with grief. I likely still will at times. But I have also never felt so in control and content. I move through every minute with gratitude. For years, I wondered what it would take for me to feel satisfied — publishing a book? Making the New York Times bestseller list? My restlessness and ambition never let me get comfortable, but this — the knowledge that I am investing my time and energy where I want to — is enough.

Toronto, December 2018 — With the first draft of my 50,777-word MG portal fantasy manuscript

When I called dithering about whether I should take this step, a good friend told me that I should take a leap of faith, trusting in the universe to catch me. I don’t know if I entirely trust the universe, but I do trust in myself, and her words made me realize that I had been preparing for this move for over a decade. I have been writing seriously since I was 11 and sharing my work since I was 16. I wrote a full manuscript for NaNoWriMo two years ago; it was the 5th novel I started and the 2nd one I finished. This week, I submitted it to HarperCollins.

What may have seemed like an impulsive choice was the one I had been working toward in my spare time all along — even if I had never admitted to myself the boldness of my dreams. I’m under no illusion that my next steps will be quick or easy — failing spectacularly is a very real possibility. Still, I know that despite the stumbles to come, I wove my own safety net. I can catch myself.